Let's just be real for two seconds...

I know every girl would like to say that they are super-confident and they've GOT THIS.

But I do not, I repeat DO NOT, have this.


Whatever "this" is.

Maybe it's confidence relating to your body.  That's cool, you say you're perfectly happy with yourself?  You're probably lying.

It's not your fault either.  You probably  should be totally happy with your body.  But, that is not what we've been conditioned to think from (practically) birth.

And really, how much does that suck?


A lot.  It sucks a lot.


I can barely go shopping with my sisters anymore without having a mental confrontation in my mind.  I know that's not a good example, but goddamn it when I look at them:  I realize they don't need a good example in regards to body image.

They, unlike me, have GOT THIS.

Gah.

But it's ok.  I have a love/hate relationship with my body.  It's about 30% love and 70% hate.

When I see people struggling to fill out a dress, I think to myself :

"I've got curves. I'm a REAL WOMAN"

Hear me ROAR!

And then, later, when I'm trying to find jeans that fit my friggen' CURVES right, I mentally scream and curse and say I'll wear sweats for the rest of my life.

....sometimes not so mentally.

On a side note: a good amount of the girls in my hall are dancing to Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious" right now.

And it's amazing.

Back to the story.

So, there are times I do like my body.  I like my curvy legs, and I would be lying if I said I wanted smaller boobs.

And I prance around thinking

"Oh hell yes, I am awesome"

Until something happens and my new-found confidence is shattered (until the next time).


Now off the body image issue.  How about the "being social" issue?

Oh yeah, I have confidence issues.

People who say that they really don't care what people think....there's a word for that.  It's called being a sociopath.

Unless you are devoid of all emotion, compassion, or empathy for other life: you probably care at least a little bit what people think.

Come on...admit it.  You totally do.

And so do I.  In a weird, paranoid way.

I guess I had a couple of bad experiences in middle and high school (who doesn't?) and decided that anyone  who is friends with me doesn't REALLY like me and it will all go down the drain soon.

Hence, me starting out college as an anti-social bitch.

Seriously, one of my friends admitted to me that she was a little scared of me my freshman year.

It's the mean-girls syndrome:

"I actually hate your guts"

I don't want to get involved in a group to have it all go downhill.

So naturally, I have several groups of friends and I'm equally paranoid about each.  It's not their fault.  They haven't done anything to make me think this way.  In fact, they are probably all wonderful.

I'm just crazy.  And I lack confidence.

I don't really think that everyone is against me.  It's just, sometimes I wonder: do they really want me here?  Am I bothering them?  Should I leave?

So situations that aren't awkward ARE awkward, in my head.

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Really, you guys probably only like me for my blog anyway...