And who in this world isn't fearful of rejection?

I know I am.

I know the most acute feelings of hurt and shame come after rejection.  Not necessarily by boys either- usually in a professional setting.

Because I like to think I work hard.  I like to think I'm smart, and that I do a good job.  But sometimes people think otherwise.

I know some of the opinions I can throw out.  Some of these people are too proud and refuse help even as they watch their endeavor sink.

They can go jump off a cliff for all I care.  I watch myself struggle, telling myself that there's many furry reasons that I need to stick with it.

But screw them.  I decided this past summer that I have cut off all ties and associations.

Because here's the issue.  I can't go home and be used and then treated like crap.  It's painful and not worth my time.  But also, I can't have that happen and then return to Becker where the kennel treats me so well and values my work.

The contrast makes the rejection all the more painful.

It's not like it hasn't happened before.  This past summer was so painful for me that I started counting down my return to Becker almost 2 months ahead of time.

The years before it had been dreading return and denying the inevitability until it slapped me hard across the face.

A lot of the time I find myself wondering "What if?" and doubting everything I do.  My mom hates that.  She always tells me- "Not 'What if'......What IS".

But I will always be the person asking what will be.  And what if I find more rejection?  That's a pretty crushing thought for someone graduating in a year and a half.

I remember a time where I went to my mother, crying, saying how I will never make it into the history books.  I was going to die not having made a difference.

I've gotten over that since.  There was a poem a friend showed me freshman year, about starfish:

Once upon a time there was a wise man

who used to go to the ocean

to do his writing.

He had a habit of walking

on the beach

before he began his work.

One day he was walking along

the shore.

As he looked down the beach,

he saw a human

figure moving like a dancer.

He smiled to himself to think

of someone who would

dance to the day.

So he began to walk faster

to catch up.

As he got closer, he saw

that it was a young man

and the young man wasn't dancing,

but instead he was reaching

down to the shore,

picking up something

and very gently throwing it

into the ocean.

As he got closer he called out,

"Good morning! What are you doing?"

The young man paused,

looked up and replied,

"Throwing starfish in the ocean."

"I guess I should have asked,

why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?"

"The sun is up and the tide is going out.

And if I don't throw them in they'll die."

"But, young man, don't you realize that

there are miles and miles of beach

and starfish all along it.

You can't possibly make a difference!"

The young man listened politely.

Then bent down, picked up another starfish

and threw it into the sea,

past the breaking waves and said-

"It made a difference for that one."

And many rescue groups use that.  Really.  So I understand that if the rejection in my life gets so utterly terrible that I make no known difference, I know I can still work in rescue, as painful as it can sometimes be.

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Wah. Poor me.  That's enough of that crap.