I may have an anxiety issue.

I was thinking about this yesterday, as I was lying in bed hoping for sleep so I could escape my headache.

People have even posed the theory that anxiety causes my headaches.  Some of these people are the same people that expect so much from me. Funny...that.

I don't have full-blown panic attacks, not really.  Not unless I'm trying to do math homework.  Because let's be real, math makes me a helpless, writhing, scarred individual wishing for mercy.

Stripper  Dog Trainer

But really, anxiety attacks are not my normal.  I can keep my cool.  I only have maybe 3 mental breakdowns a semester.  

That's not too bad for a double major with a 4.0. 

Not to mention, I go through the same thing every time.  Pacing.  Loud music.  Crying.  Calling boyfriend.  Screaming at boyfriend that I'm not coming out of my room for a week.

Then the next day he'll call and check on me....am I going to class?  I'll sheepishly say yes.  

It's the same every time.

Maybe it's because I keep my cool too much.  

And it's all bottled up.  And it's expressed in headaches...and an intense hate for obnoxious people. 

It's something that's natural I think.  We all know I'm not an optimist.  I see the dark side of everything.  I assume I'll lose, but I try to win.  If I get optimistic I swear it's the only time I'm truly crushed. So I'll hedge my bets and be pleasantly surprised if things turn out great.  And if they don't?  I get to say "I told you so".  There's a special satisfaction in that phrase.

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There's this thing my mother and I go through all of the time.  I'll start over-thinking something.  It's the way I work.  I would rather think of everything beforehand then be surprised (it kinda sucks when I guess my birthday/Christmas presents a month beforehand though).

So I'll be worrying out loud. 

"What if....?

"...What if?"

"BUT what if?"

All of these possible outcomes swirl around my head.  I have to find solutions to the ones that are impossible to solve.  And I know it.  But I worry anyway.  Because, I know I don't have the answer....so WHAT IF that happens?  I'M SCREWED.

My mom will get frustrated with me and try to tie me back down to earth.

"Not WHAT IF, Jenny, WHAT IS", she'll say.

I'll pause for a second.  Absorb the wisdom.  Do such a good job absorbing it that it dissolves in my brain.  I stop for all of 10 seconds....

"................but WHAT IF"

And I'm sure at this point my mom is contemplating how much she would hurt tomorrow if she picked me up and threw me out the window.

The point is, I don't think I can stop.  I have so many things going on, that I'm always going to worry.  I'll worry about events, people, animals, obligations, deadlines, sleep, studying, grades, work, other work, more work, and then if I have time I might worry about me some more.

And as I get things accomplished it gets a little better, only to start a new day with new stress.  It's just the way my life is.

My "easy" days always end up with me running around doing one thing after another.  Sometimes I feel like the only time I sit down is in class.

And that's not even that comfortable.  My feet like to fall asleep.  Hobbling out of class is always so awkward.

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I may have an awkwardness issue.