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I don't like re-writing resumes and writing cover letters.
Quite frankly, I feel like there's really no good way to describe some of the things I do.
--One of my residents comes into my room bitchin' about her life. I let her vent and offer her my epic bean bag chair to sit on.
.....................Counseling? I think not. More like "skilled at being a decent person as needed".
GAH.
Cause let's be real. That right there? I'm no counselor- That's not counseling. That's....being someone understanding. How do you write that on a resume? Or a cover letter?
Can't I just write "Hey, my girls like me, I got RA of the month, I don't miss deadlines, and my programming is stellar"?
Nope.
Interpersonal Skills, Punctuality and Organization, Programming and Community Development.
Big words people. Big words.
And action words. And adjectives.
But mostly stress.
I mean, if I leave some of my animal experience in, does that imply that I think all of the residents are animals...?
Well..now that I think of it...
Regardless of whether or not that's the truth, I can't really imply that.
But dog training is so relevant! Well, it is in my mind. Positive Reinforcement! Associations! Teamwork and Cooperation!
...No? Yeah... well I tried.
If I wasn't a decent RA you wouldn't have rehired me the first time! Or hired me period...
How about:
"I like my job. Can I please have it back?"
Wayyyyy too simple.
So we'll see how the big words work out. I'll know come March.
The next person that tells me I have to be positive needs to take a good look at themselves. Why do you feel the urge to change me? I don't need it. I don't want it. Stop giving it.
I just want to be left alone, honest.
I'm a good person. I get things done, and I care deeply for my friends and family, as well as the plethora of animals I encounter.
So what if I say I have bad luck? I DO. It's my life. I have a running commentary in my head that deals with it.
With humor. With ranting. With negativity.
But if it works for me, and people appreciate me, and I do my job well (and sometimes better than well)---why must you harp on me?
It's insulting, and belittling.
Am I less of a person because I don't smile 24/7? Please. We all know that's not true.
I enjoy parts of my life. I do. They are usually the private moments that you just can't replicate every day:
Waking up at 6 in the morning when spring starts: just to watch the sunrise and hear the birds.
Cuddling up with a book and tea.
Wrestling on the floor with a pit-bull, or a beagle, or a whatchamacallit-style mutt.
Listening to a song I love and totally rocking out in my room.
Why do I have to plaster a fake smile on myself, lie to the people around me, and pretend every aspect of my life is great.
WHY?
It bothers me that people harp on me about my negativity. They didn't know me when I literally saw NOTHING in my life as positive...as worth living for. Don't talk to me about negativity, you probably have never been as far gone as I have...
I'm sorry I don't fit into your picture perfect idea of society. I don't. But I belong in society. People like me get things done. We find the catch's, the pitfalls, and the loopholes. We see the other side. We don't walk through life blinded by oblivious positivity.
There are people that get me to smile, and laugh until the tears run down my face. And you know what? It's because they accept me for me, they don't try to get me to change.
To improve.
I like myself. The way I am. With my snark, and attitude, and wit. I don't need to improve in that way.
I can learn. I can perfect. I don't need to change.
Next time you decide I'm not positive enough for you...you decide you need to fix me....you decide that I must have a horrible life because of my attitude...
...maybe you should think about how your positivity makes you less of an accepting person....makes you more discriminatory. Belittling. Hurtful. Judgmental.
And then ask yourself...
Is it better to be a positive person, or an accepting/open minded individual?
I wont change. Maybe you should. I'm a person too. A negative, pessimistic one. And proud of it.
...because one of my books shipped BEFORE I left for RA training while the other one didn't. Even though I ordered them from the same place and they listed the same shipping time.
But more importantly...
...very importantly...
...stupendously important, if you're not getting the picture...
...it means I will not be having Becker food for lunch.
*Sniffle* Thank You, thank you oh so much. Oh happy tears!
Anyway.
Anyone who goes to Becker knows why I'm so excited. I'm going to a restaurant where things will taste so delicious and wonderful by contrast.
Also they need me to help pick out paint swatches since I'm good at picking out colors, being all artistic and stuff.
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It's not like they're gonna drive all the way up here if they're not going to get some use out of me.
I know every girl would like to say that they are super-confident and they've GOT THIS.
But I do not, I repeat DO NOT, have this.
Whatever "this" is.
Maybe it's confidence relating to your body. That's cool, you say you're perfectly happy with yourself? You're probably lying.
It's not your fault either. You probably should be totally happy with your body. But, that is not what we've been conditioned to think from (practically) birth.
And really, how much does that suck?
A lot. It sucks a lot.
I can barely go shopping with my sisters anymore without having a mental confrontation in my mind. I know that's not a good example, but goddamn it when I look at them: I realize they don't need a good example in regards to body image.
They, unlike me, have GOT THIS.
Gah.
But it's ok. I have a love/hate relationship with my body. It's about 30% love and 70% hate.
When I see people struggling to fill out a dress, I think to myself :
"I've got curves. I'm a REAL WOMAN"
Hear me ROAR!
And then, later, when I'm trying to find jeans that fit my friggen' CURVES right, I mentally scream and curse and say I'll wear sweats for the rest of my life.
....sometimes not so mentally.
On a side note: a good amount of the girls in my hall are dancing to Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious" right now.
And it's amazing.
Back to the story.
So, there are times I do like my body. I like my curvy legs, and I would be lying if I said I wanted smaller boobs.
And I prance around thinking
"Oh hell yes, I am awesome"
Until something happens and my new-found confidence is shattered (until the next time).
Now off the body image issue. How about the "being social" issue?
Oh yeah, I have confidence issues.
People who say that they really don't care what people think....there's a word for that. It's called being a sociopath.
Unless you are devoid of all emotion, compassion, or empathy for other life: you probably care at least a little bit what people think.
Come on...admit it. You totally do.
And so do I. In a weird, paranoid way.
I guess I had a couple of bad experiences in middle and high school (who doesn't?) and decided that anyone who is friends with me doesn't REALLY like me and it will all go down the drain soon.
Hence, me starting out college as an anti-social bitch.
Seriously, one of my friends admitted to me that she was a little scared of me my freshman year.
It's the mean-girls syndrome:
"I actually hate your guts"
I don't want to get involved in a group to have it all go downhill.
So naturally, I have several groups of friends and I'm equally paranoid about each. It's not their fault. They haven't done anything to make me think this way. In fact, they are probably all wonderful.
I'm just crazy. And I lack confidence.
I don't really think that everyone is against me. It's just, sometimes I wonder: do they really want me here? Am I bothering them? Should I leave?
So situations that aren't awkward ARE awkward, in my head.
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Really, you guys probably only like me for my blog anyway...
