This is an out-of-body experience.

I hate looking at myself and hating it.

But that's what it is.  I have this small, and getting smaller, part of me that wants to fight it.  That small part that fights so hard to smile when appropriate and laugh when things are supposed to be funny and react like a normal person when in company of others.

Because I deserve to be normal and healthy and not the shadow of myself that I am.

Then there's that other part.  It's all encompassing and smothering.  It hurts to breathe and at the same time it doesn't.  Maybe I'm to that point where the pain stops and the numbness starts and...I'm so lost.

You know how much it hurts to be?  It's worse when your life becomes white noise and static.  It kinda feels like that tightness in the back of your throat when you're about to cry.  But you're not allowed to cry. When you do it's an endless time loop of sobbing and pain and the tears don't stop. You don't even know where they're coming from anymore or why they have to be there, but they are and you have to find a way to deal with it without everyone finding you and pitying you.

Because with pity comes stupid phrases like:
"Happiness is a choice"
"Just cheer up!"
"Jenny, you look better with a smile."
"Good to see you smiling, for once."

Oh sorry, I forgot to put my goddamn face on.  I had a moment where I slipped.  I'm sorry my perpetual depression caused you a moment of discomfort because I wasn't smiling.

I want to rise up and claw the person apart and smile while I do it.  But I can't because I'm tired and in pain and it's just easier to fake a smile and please everyone else.

And maybe that's why I hate being this way.  I'm not a strong person anymore.  I'm not extraordinary anymore.  Nothing stands out.  I've ceased to be anything special.  Maybe I never was.

...and there's no one there.  I have no lifeline.

So I guess I'm watching what's left of me drown.  Even if something pulls me out this time, there will always be a next time, and the time after that, and the time after that....