Thoughts in the Club

So you guys are so faithful!  I literally hadn't updated for two or three months and I had several dozen page views in under an hour for "Thoughts at the Gym"

You guys are either awesome or have no life but I'm not judging.
Mostly because I fall into the second category myself.

So you guys may or may not be the type of people to go out to bars and clubs but here's the deal: if you're female and you like to dance you will get hit on. If you're single this can be a good thing. Sometimes.  Maybe.  If the guy is attractive.  Which occurs when the planets align and you sacrifice a virgin under the full moon.

Nah I'm just kidding, it's not THAT uncommon, I'm just picky and I happen to like dancing alone. Guys can't keep up with me.  It's a problem.  I had a guy friend in college that had also been in band in high school and we would dance together while out because if I wanted to dance faster all I would have to say was SUBDIVIDE and the joke was understoood instantly. He could keep up with me and it was actually fun.  But I digress.

Anyway.  I've actually started to have a social life again after graduation.  Shock. Awe.
I know.
I go out in Hartford, and it's quite fun.  I love to dance.  I'm not much of a drinker, and since the last two times I've gone I've been driving I've actually been completely sober.  This primes me for people watching and for of course..."Thoughts in the Club."  Enjoy:

When guys look you up and down like that, is it necessary to look alllllll the way down? I mean, do you really care that much about my shoes? 

I think it's a rule that bar/club bathrooms never actually have enough stalls to actually function properly.  It's a thing.

And that girl is hugging the support beam.  Gotta tell N.

What is with the chanting? Guys never chanted in Worcester. HEY HEY HEY!

It smells like hot dogs. Goddamn hot dogs.

No. It's not happening. It won't happen. Stop trying to make it happen.

That dance.  It's like swan wings mixed with seizures.  Swan-Seizing, the dance craze.

This DJ is compensating for a very small body part. Two guesses and you've already used one.

*PEACE UP! A TOWN DOWN! YEAH YEAH YEAHHHHHHHHHH*

I feel like a sardine. In a bad way.  Time to break out the funky elbows.  This. is. MY. SPACE.

That girl is still on the support beam.  She's humping it.  Or grinding. Kinda, spinning? 

Boys. Just say no to fedoras.  Just. say. no.

Holy shit that's where all the sex appeal has gone.  He's absorbed it all for his evil plan to take over the world.  Side note: now Pinky and the Brain is in my head.  Pinky and the Brain brain brain brain...

*GAS PEDAL GAS PEDAL GAS PEDAL*

No touchy.

No touchy her either.  She's with me.

No don't give me that look.  You've had to be rejected before, you clearly have no game, move along. Try to smile and ask nicely next time, instead of grabbing things.

I don't KNOWWW THIS SONGGGG but everyone else doesss so I'll act pumped anyway!

I know you've been trying to get my attention for 5 minutes dude but it's not happening so move along.

Girl is still on support beam.  She's sort of twerking on it.  Gotta give her props for her commitment to the idea.

Hair in face. Hair in face. In mouth. Out of face. And where's my hair tie. Dammit.

*GET OUTTA YOUR MIND GET OUTTA YOUR MIND*

And I just pulled a muscle.  Shoulda stretched more.  Damn.

Did that girl just fall? And she'ssssss up! 

Hahah is the song speeding up? Watchhh this suckasssssssss you about to learn a thinggggggg.

Booty SHAKE!

And: head count.

Note to self: you cannot growl at people.  As much as they deserve it.

*NANANA COME ON. I LIKE IT, LIKE IT. S S S AND M M M. *

Heyyyy gorgeous dudee....and gorgeous dude's girlfriend goddamnit just stay home.

How am I already hungry?

That was my foot.  Ow.

Oh he's cute!.....From a distance.  That's a syndrome isn't it.  An actual thing.  

Wanna start feeling self conscious now? Just, randomly?

I want nachos.

You look like my not-ex.  So let's not-dance.

What is the DJ even doing?

You are EXTREMELY FRIGGEN' TALL DUDE.

Are the lights coming on? The lights are coming on.  Damn.

Thoughts at the Gym

So.

I haven't updated this thing in forever.  I'm well aware.  So this will be rusty.  Very stop and go. Probably hard to read and the flow will be off and my humor will not be top notch. Also I'm swearing in this one deal with it I'm not censoring myself I just don't care.

Deal with it.  You don't have to read.

So for those of you who actually perpetuate the idea of friendship with me after the big G .... graduation...you all know that I've become kind of a workout junkie.  Not in an extreme way.   Jillian Michaels isn't my BFF and I don't drink green smoothies with questionable ingredients from countries that I can't pronounce but I go fairly regularly.  I mean, my graduation present was a gym membership.  And I was very happy about that.  (Thanks Mom)

So I look like this now:

Woot Woot.

But that's not the point.

My workout playlist needs updating.  My damn ipod is old and won't run Spotify so I have a limited playlist and it's just not cutting it. 

So I'll be running and leg-lifting and sweating to my heart's-content and quite frankly I get distracted. 

And the internal commentary starts:

Ugh, Pitbull what IS that lyric? YA NASTY!

Creepy dude.  You had to pick that treadmill. That one.  There's like, 15.  All empty. But the one right next to me, yeah?  I'm gonna start walking now.  Take that.  

Don't sing.  Don't sing. Don't sing. You're singing.

...And I'm pretty sure that was my knee that just popped.  *Pop lock and dropp* OW FUCK.

And so on.

I mean, it doesn't stop.  

KE$HA is my spirit animal.  If spirit animals were made of glitter and whiskey. 

Why do they have mirrors in front of the treadmills? This would be more fun if I was a narcissist.

And you're not running any more.  Power walk.  Work. Fierce.  No not like that you look ridiculous remember the mirrors oh my god.

I have a headache.  Is it because of the ponytail? It's because of the ponytail. Ponytail is down and....BAYWATCH.  Look at this hair flowing in the win----no wait stop staring.  It's not that awesome.

Andddd I knocked my Ipod off the treadmill....there it goes. That was graceful.

I said that out loud. Awesome.

Slipknot what IS that lyric? YA NASTY!

Don't dance, don't dance.  DON'T DANCE.  You're dancing. Great. Go on.

I think I recognize her...from high school...soooo working out on the other side of the gym for the next half hour sounds good.

Did I shave both legs this morning?

Whatever I'm not meeting my soulmate at the gym anyway.

I TAKE THAT BACK YOU'RE MY SOULMATE HOLY SHIT.

...nevermind you only look good from behind.  It must suck going through life like that dude.

.

.

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And I could do more weight today I'm a total boss. NO I CAN'T I'M A WIMP. More reps it is.

My abs are writing documents listing their many grievances to the queen.  The queen is a masochistic bitch that says DEAL WITH IT. 

I think that's a teacher from high school.  But it's during school hours. Wonder if he got fired.  Probably.

Creepy Dude Alert.

For the final time.  Stop Dancing for the love of god Jenny.

And it just goes on and on like that.  This running commentary.  It gets me through though.  I can run an 8-minute mile on a good day.  But just imagine,,. I make all the accompanying faces for these thoughts, because my face is an open book.  And I know this because of those damn mirrors.  And I laugh my way through my workout, and I think the damn gym population thinks I'm crazy.

They'd be right about that.

Stay tuned for thoughts at the Club.